Reality and Mortality

Reality and Mortality
Transmigration

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Changes that has to be made...

I am working on reorganizing myself after a rough month with full of studies for the exam.
And I am not a fan of exams and studying stuff for exams. I just to studies for fun and to entertain myself. And I have no other intention of learning. I want to learn new things in life and I don't want to do them to satisfy others. And I am a free person who wants to do what I like.

Once you take a decision in your life and ask yourself what do you expect from your life? I want to satisfy myself and I don't want to live it for someone else. I will do sacrifices and cherish people around me but I won't be a pawn of game played by someone else. I really want to get along with friends and new things. I just want to explore things which satisfies me. Earning money is not always my thing, but satisfying myself is the most important thing.

Mostly I don't want to comment on the others way of living, because that is the way that they satisfies themselves. And this is the way that I satisfies myself. And no one can blame to me or the others. If their way is harming someone else and I can blame and they can do the same if I do so.

And I need to change the way of thinking for the new beginning in my life. I have lived a life with huge changes in the couple of years back after leaving the school. My life went through huge changes in the last couple of years. I don't blame for myself and I guess it is the adaptation to the society and the things around us. And there are various stages in the life and I need to change and I need to feel it.

I want to be who I was couple of years back. And I enjoyed a lot more than here in these few years. I stopped breathing after entering the university, and I feel that university is choking me. I can't breath properly and there are so many rules and regulations and I don't want to live my life by the rules of some other people.

I must change and I will change and I will reorganize myself. For someone else this would be bullshit. But for me it is the real change that I want to do. The academics is not choking me and it is not thing I love when I do it for something and it is to earn the degree which I really don't like,

I loved mathematics and physics so much in the past. But now I am loving programming and do it for fun and there is no limits in it. I create things to satisfy myself and not to satisfy the others. That is why I am not marketing myself. Only thing I did for marketing was doing fiverr. I mean I was a freelancer in the fiverr.com.

I did web designing and programming homework. I was able to do it for only one successful month and I was unluckily rejected by the fiverr community because of mentioning a word in my gig description which meant I am doing something that cannot be done within the fiverr and that is web hosting. And my gig was denied and I only did 40 jobs completely out of 62. And most of the orders were cancelled after doing the work and I lost more than $100 for sure. I was able to earn $656 with an average of $17 per order.  I need to change I felt. This is the only thing I did for money. Serious greed was there when I saw orders came for more dollars. That was greediness. And I don't want to work for money. I am unhappy because I lost a great income and I am happy I am not a slave of the dollar or money. I want to earn, not a billion but a penny with true joy and satisfaction. I love doing that.

I need the change. And I looked back in my life past few years. I experimented many things in my life. I gathered a lot from those experiments which I did to myself and I never used any test subjects to understand things. And I did thought experiments most of the time and I am happy that there were successful results all the time.

I am telling rubbish and I know it. What I am doing is typing which comes to my mind. In this very instant I am doing it and the facts are not organized. I may know a lot things but I know that when I am expressing no body understand everything because it is not complex, but somehow I am not telling everything and I misses some words when I write them down and that is why you don't understand the whole thing. My big mistake made me worry about it for years.

I thing I failed in my A/L not because I don't know but I don't know how to express. That mistake made me go away from my friends and my life. I embraced a lot of things last few years which were not meant to be mine. But the changes in my life made me do it.

I still want to go back to good old days. And the only way I see is leaving the unsatisfied environment and join my old life again. And I need to reconnect to the things I loved and things I did. And I guess this is the first step of doing it...

Don't Read this. This is but a confused story...