Reality and Mortality

Reality and Mortality

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Changes that has to be made...

I am working on reorganizing myself after a rough month with full of studies for the exam.
And I am not a fan of exams and studying stuff for exams. I just to studies for fun and to entertain myself. And I have no other intention of learning. I want to learn new things in life and I don't want to do them to satisfy others. And I am a free person who wants to do what I like.

Once you take a decision in your life and ask yourself what do you expect from your life? I want to satisfy myself and I don't want to live it for someone else. I will do sacrifices and cherish people around me but I won't be a pawn of game played by someone else. I really want to get along with friends and new things. I just want to explore things which satisfies me. Earning money is not always my thing, but satisfying myself is the most important thing.

Mostly I don't want to comment on the others way of living, because that is the way that they satisfies themselves. And this is the way that I satisfies myself. And no one can blame to me or the others. If their way is harming someone else and I can blame and they can do the same if I do so.

And I need to change the way of thinking for the new beginning in my life. I have lived a life with huge changes in the couple of years back after leaving the school. My life went through huge changes in the last couple of years. I don't blame for myself and I guess it is the adaptation to the society and the things around us. And there are various stages in the life and I need to change and I need to feel it.

I want to be who I was couple of years back. And I enjoyed a lot more than here in these few years. I stopped breathing after entering the university, and I feel that university is choking me. I can't breath properly and there are so many rules and regulations and I don't want to live my life by the rules of some other people.

I must change and I will change and I will reorganize myself. For someone else this would be bullshit. But for me it is the real change that I want to do. The academics is not choking me and it is not thing I love when I do it for something and it is to earn the degree which I really don't like,

I loved mathematics and physics so much in the past. But now I am loving programming and do it for fun and there is no limits in it. I create things to satisfy myself and not to satisfy the others. That is why I am not marketing myself. Only thing I did for marketing was doing fiverr. I mean I was a freelancer in the

I did web designing and programming homework. I was able to do it for only one successful month and I was unluckily rejected by the fiverr community because of mentioning a word in my gig description which meant I am doing something that cannot be done within the fiverr and that is web hosting. And my gig was denied and I only did 40 jobs completely out of 62. And most of the orders were cancelled after doing the work and I lost more than $100 for sure. I was able to earn $656 with an average of $17 per order.  I need to change I felt. This is the only thing I did for money. Serious greed was there when I saw orders came for more dollars. That was greediness. And I don't want to work for money. I am unhappy because I lost a great income and I am happy I am not a slave of the dollar or money. I want to earn, not a billion but a penny with true joy and satisfaction. I love doing that.

I need the change. And I looked back in my life past few years. I experimented many things in my life. I gathered a lot from those experiments which I did to myself and I never used any test subjects to understand things. And I did thought experiments most of the time and I am happy that there were successful results all the time.

I am telling rubbish and I know it. What I am doing is typing which comes to my mind. In this very instant I am doing it and the facts are not organized. I may know a lot things but I know that when I am expressing no body understand everything because it is not complex, but somehow I am not telling everything and I misses some words when I write them down and that is why you don't understand the whole thing. My big mistake made me worry about it for years.

I thing I failed in my A/L not because I don't know but I don't know how to express. That mistake made me go away from my friends and my life. I embraced a lot of things last few years which were not meant to be mine. But the changes in my life made me do it.

I still want to go back to good old days. And the only way I see is leaving the unsatisfied environment and join my old life again. And I need to reconnect to the things I loved and things I did. And I guess this is the first step of doing it...

Don't Read this. This is but a confused story... 

Thursday, September 4, 2014

So many days out of the daily routing...

Most of the day I spend the time with the things I love to do. Couple of weeks earlier I had to do something which I really don't like to do. Answering questions is not the way to invent and explore the world and the capabilities of the mind. The real way is to spend sometime and do somethings to figure it out. And sometimes it occurs to me that the evaluation and research is two things. Evaluation is really important to test a set of personalities for a given standard criterion. And the hardest thing in the world is to please someone and something. And the easiest way is to please yourself. And what we actually like to do is the things that pleases us. And sometimes we have to do things that don't please us. And we do that in order to get something or get something done by doing that and at the end of the day what we are doing is achieving what we like somehow. And that is what I see through the exams and the evaluations. And we trying so hard to please the standards made by someone else in order to do what we like. Some people like to earn money and some others like to learn new things. What I prefer most is the learning new things than the money. The money factor depends. And I am happy I have earned enough to learn things and at the same time I am unsatisfied with the less knowledge and less money...

Will keep posting...